Make yourself happy

It’s rough being alone in your flat at night and it’s easy to fall victim to depression but the best way out of it is to be weird. Do something so weird that you will definitely be judge if anyone ever found out just simply because it makes you happy! I have picked up 2kg since my injury two weeks ago but instead of being sad about it I’m having my own little happy party :) I dragged my mattress infront of the TV, brought McDonalds and Steers, put my panda onesie one and had a slumber party with my teddy bear:) one guilt free night without a care in the world. Tomorrow I start eating 100% healthy for 7 days. No treats, cheating, ice cream, cake, cookies or fast food. Tomorrow I start studying for my last exam that I’m going to get an A for. Tomorrow I start gyming hard again injury free. Tomorrow ill do all my washing. That’s all for tomorrow though. Tonight imma pig out, be lazy and do nothing because my worries are for tomorrow. I’m going to enjoy my teddy sleep over and enjoy my moment of happiness :)

Moment of happiness

I had quite a rough day yesterday. Was at work for 9 hours and busy studying for exams so I was just mentally drained :( by boyfriend said I can come study with him for a bit but when I got there he was in a bad mood. This made me feel worse. During the night I told him I really want a milkshake and sweeties to cheer me up cause I was feeling so negative. 12 o clock in the middle of the night he randomly jumps up and tells me to get dress we going to go fetch me my milkshake :D he said sorry if he was mean or rude and he shouldn’t of taken it out on me. When we got back we cuddled on the couch and everything was all happy. His roommates came back from a nightout and you know how loud drunk guys are. He went and made a bed up for me so I could sleep cause he knew I had to work the next day while he and his friends were talking about their night up. I woke up with someone kissing my forehead a few hours later, he had come to check up on me :) to see if I was okay. You forget about the little things. It’s so easy to expect flowers and gifts as a way to show affection but I think true love is shown in the moment when he kisses your forehead while you sleeping or when he holds your hand when you cross the road. Love is in the small moments. It’s understanding that emotion is deeper than the materialist things. I did enjoy my milkshake though :)

The struggle

The hardest thing to do in life is to decide if you should try harder or to try walk away from a situation. When things get tough it’s so easy to just walk away. To give up trying and not look back. But once it’s been done you sit there wondering. You start to wonder “what if”. What if you tried harder? Would it have worked out? Did you just lose the best thing in your life because you got scared or it was just a little too hard? It’s hard to have a hot healthy fit body, that’s why not everyone has one. But if you are dedicated to training hard and eating clean, pushing when you feel weak than you can get through it. You can be a healthy confident person. So in this situation it’s best to push harder then to simply walk away when things get rough. But then you are faced with a second problem. You losing your friendship with someone you were really close too. It seems like they don’t really care and that they are slipping away from you. Do you walk away from the friendship and accept things are moving in different directions or do you fight harder? Fight for the friendship even if it’s one sided? I always believed if you made the effort, if you showed you cared they would realise it and then maybe they will try it too? Maybe they are just as scared as you are? Maybe they are in fight or flight mode as well and need a little push. I tried to live by this idea. To always try. To always care. In everything I do each day. Friends, relationship even in fitness.

I’m sitting on a wall between 4 different relationships.
I havnt spoken to my roommate from last year for 5 months. I miss her so much. I miss the adventures we went on and having her there for me. But every time I try make plans, to go for lunch or coffee she always has an excuse. I brought her a birthday present but she didn’t even make the effort to pick it up. When my birthday came around I didn’t even get a Facebook post.
Fight or flight.

There’s a guy I had a thing with for a few weeks over a year ago. We were really good friends, like he was my best friend. But things got complicated. They always do when you hook up with friends. When he has a girlfriend I don’t exist. But when his single he talks to me again as my friend again. My best friend. Alarms go off in my head because obviously I’m just good enough when needed. But when someone is such a good friend to you and has helped you through a really really difficult situation it’s really hard to let go. You build a strong connection with someone when they help you through hell and are there for you when no one else was. Do you try be their friend or stop being a puppet?
Fight or flight

I decided this year I wanted to be strong, confident, healthy and hopefully sexy. To eat healthier and to train hard. I got to this point where I was so happy with my body and I felt as if I could attack the world. But then I got injured and everything kinda went on a back slide. No training for three weeks and really bad eating habits made me gain 2kg of pure fat. So I’m struggling to try get back into it. To train without hurting my shoulder and to eat clean when all I want is to eat cookies. I know I need to keep going to get through this patch and that things take time. But each day I have to ask myself:
Fight or flight


My boyfriend and I have had a tough time as I said earlier. We on 5/6 months where it’s the breaking point. The point where the honeymoon phase is over and things start to get serious. And that scares me. This is my first real relationship so it’s a little nerve wrecking. I find myself holding back because I’m so scared to fall too hard and to get my heart broken. My boyfriend really isn’t an emotional guy. He doesn’t do a lot of PDA and doesn’t express his thoughts or feelings. When he had a problem he would rather sort it out himself. This makes me feel like there’s a gap. He isn’t letting me in so I’m scared to open up too much. But he makes me so happy. He makes me laugh when I’m already crying. His there when I need him. He makes me feel safe when I scared of the world. Sometimes I feel like I need more though. I want to be told in pretty and special and all that stuff. I want to be spoilt with flowers. I want to have constant text messages and phone calls. But that’s not who he is. I wanted to be with him for so long, for who he is. So why do I want more now of n sudden? Do I want this relationship with him or do I want a different relationship? I’m crazy about about him but does he feel the same about me?
Fight or flight.


I will be strong whether I have to fight or flight.

The zit returns already

So after my last post I actually let go of the last zit incident and let the scar start to fade. I looked in the mirror and noticed a zit (an actual real one). I told myself it’s from stress and went to eat dinner. Thinking about rainbows and all that shit when suddenly my phone buzzed. Hay it’s a message from the guy zit! So I deleted the message without even reading it. I have a real zit to deal with, not some boy zit who has a really good talent for recognizing the exact moment when I let go of him…

The one that got away

When you find happiness and feel like life is going just as you want it too the zit appears. Majority of the time it’s when you have that date with the perfect guy, the guy who’s going to be in your future. You are standing in the mirror getting ready for Mr New Guy when a zit appears. Small and unnoticeable at first but you know it’s there. Then you start picking at it even though you know better. A little scratch now and then. Before you realize the zit is now twice the size, red and really hard to ignore. Like all girls do we start to freak out. We start pushing and irritating the zit trying to fix the situation which only makes it worse. Then one day the zit is gone. Moved on to the next girl while you are left standing in the mirror staring at the scar. A scar you blame the zit for but you were the one scratching… Pushing… Irritating it…

My zit comes in the form of a guy. A guy who started off as someone I fell for. Head over heels so quickly I didn’t even notice time hadn’t passed. What felt like months was only a few days and that is dangerous. You trust them completely with your life, experiences, stories because you feel like you have known them for years but truth is you have only known them for a few days. And the person you fell for isn’t even the real them. To truly know someone takes times. So when the days turn into weeks before you know it you are sitting in the cold outside and alone as they dropped you off out of your lives. It’s one of the hardest experiences when something ends before it even started. As they walk away you see who they truly are. Their true form takes place but you try ignore what you see through your tears because you hold on to this “image” you have of them. The perfect image of a person you had in your life for a few days that wasn’t even real. It took me a lot of time and a really dark stage of my life to finally let go of him. A Taylor Swift album full of heart break, rivers full of tears and a tennis game of back and forth. But finally I was happy again. Finally I stood in the mirror. Not a single thought of him. I no longer stalked him on Facebook each time I went online. I no longer found dumb excuses to talk to him. I no longer stated at my phone waiting for him to message me. I let it all go.

I stood in front of mirror excited about my future with a new guy. An actual boyfriend who stuck with me in my darkest months. When the zit appeared. A Facebook invite. Then the “liking” of my relationship status. Then an apology.
Then asking to be friends. I started scratching it. Thinking he meant so much to me that being friends could be a good thing. Before I knew it there was a huge zit right in the middle of my forehead. It became hard to ignore it even while putting on make up for my boyfriend the zit still stared at me. So I started to push. Started to try make it go away so that I could be happy with someone who deserves my attention. But the harder I tried the worse it got. Then I accepted it. I started to live my life with the zit. Until it went away. Moved on to the next pretty face. Now I’m staring at yet another scar. Scared that it might return and even though I know the consequences if I scratch I’m scared I won’t let the zit be.

Even though the first time was as lovers and the second time was as friends, they both hurt.

So he started off as a guy. Now his a zit. I’m hoping after this post and remembering puberty, Ill just let a zit be and rather focus on an actually guy :)

Abit of happiness today :)
My boyfriend and I have been through a lot. We constantly fight and our relationship is kinda a mess. But I’ll save that for another day. Today my boyfriend surprised me :) he isn’t the type of guy to show a lot of emotion or affection yet today he stopped buy for 30seconds. All he said was that he hasn’t seen me today and just wanted to kiss me. Boy that kiss made my knees weak! He kissed me with real passion, real emotion and real feelings. Was something really small but it’s a small bit of happiness that made my day*

Abit of happiness today :)
My boyfriend and I have been through a lot. We constantly fight and our relationship is kinda a mess. But I’ll save that for another day. Today my boyfriend surprised me :) he isn’t the type of guy to show a lot of emotion or affection yet today he stopped buy for 30seconds. All he said was that he hasn’t seen me today and just wanted to kiss me. Boy that kiss made my knees weak! He kissed me with real passion, real emotion and real feelings. Was something really small but it’s a small bit of happiness that made my day*

I read an article in the COSMO about embracing your flaws. About accepting them can boost your self esteem and make you a more confident and happier person. So I’ve decided to try this. I’ve been told by my friends and boyfriend that I care too much about what other people think and that I spend too much effort and time into trying to make other people happy. I always thought of this as a positive characteristic yet everyone seems to think its a “flaw”. That I should  only care about a few things and pretty much ignore the rest. I’m going to embrace this flaw. Yes I care. I care a shit load. I care about my studies. I care about my friends. I care about my studies. I care about my boyfriend. I care about people I barely know if they going through a bad time. I care about people even if they treat me like shit. I won’t see this as a weakness anymore. It’s my strength. It makes me unique because never will you find someone who cares about something or someone like I do. There might be people who care less, who care more. But I will keep caring until I can’t care more.

I read an article in the COSMO about embracing your flaws. About accepting them can boost your self esteem and make you a more confident and happier person. So I’ve decided to try this. I’ve been told by my friends and boyfriend that I care too much about what other people think and that I spend too much effort and time into trying to make other people happy. I always thought of this as a positive characteristic yet everyone seems to think its a “flaw”. That I should only care about a few things and pretty much ignore the rest. I’m going to embrace this flaw. Yes I care. I care a shit load. I care about my studies. I care about my friends. I care about my studies. I care about my boyfriend. I care about people I barely know if they going through a bad time. I care about people even if they treat me like shit. I won’t see this as a weakness anymore. It’s my strength. It makes me unique because never will you find someone who cares about something or someone like I do. There might be people who care less, who care more. But I will keep caring until I can’t care more.

Reason for this

Everyone needs a person to talk to. About how they are feeling. About what’s going on in their lives. Thoughts, emotions, dreams. But life has changed over the years. People have become selfish. You no longer bother listening to your friend nag and moan about the same things over and over again because you have your own issues. You get tired of giving then the exact same piece of advice but they never listen and two days later they are back. Moaning about their boyfriend, exams, parents, friends. I’ve been on the receiving end of this but also I’ve been the person moaning always about the bad. We forget about the little pieces of happiness. Often because we think they are dumb or such a small spark of happiness that it’s pointless to share it. With me personally I often feel guilty. I feel guilty to rub it in someone’s face if I’m happy because I know they have a lot going on. They have their own issues. If I’m having a bad day and stressing about an exam, hearing about my friend having a romantic picnic with her new boyfriend makes the little green eyed monster within me to jump up and want to smash her face in. I won’t lie, I’m not the greatest most caring friend. But I would still reply with a “that’s do amazing! You are do lucky! Need to study* talk later” so if my boyfriend takes me out for a picnic I don’t tell anyone because I don’t want their green eyed monster to come out. So I’m using this platform for all my thoughts about my life. I honestly don’t care if anyone reads this. This is for me. A space to clear my head. A space to say everything I’m too scared to say out loud because I don’t want to be judged. A space where I can be 100% honest. A space where I can find myself again. You are welcome to share your stories as well. No judgement, no mean comments.